Well, it's 4:30am, and I've been up for an hour.
So, naturally, I should blog, right? Oh boy, this could be dangerous. I'm gonna warn you, I'm on a little bit of a soap box.
I just finished reading an article entitled "...because I'm a twentysomething." Go read it. Not because I agree with it, but because it really represents a lot of what I hear from my peers and those younger than me. It's the thinking that is going to shape our society if we're not careful.
It was a fun blog about not letting cultural expectations of what you should be doing at your age define what you think you need to be doing at your age. Have a "big girl job" but don't be bogged down by that big girl job. Get married. Or don't. Have kids. Or don't. And then when you're forty, fall in love all over again (with a child, a new friend, or a partner).
Got all that?
This sounds pretty good. Until you break it down and realize it's all romanticized and ultimately can lead to shirking responsibility and letting go of things that "no longer serve you." It's ok to think about your twenties as a glass-half-full kind of time, but don't let that lead you to living selfishly. Choose to quit your job and go back to school if that's the wise thing to do. But don't shy away from commitment, responsibilities, etc. just because you feel stifled by fitting the mold.
Here's the surprising thing: by sticking by your commitments, you may find out that finding contentment in the regular, every day humdrum of doing dishes, folding laundry, and working at your "big girl job" is actually quite fulfilling. But you have to chose to find contentment in it. The attitude encouraged in this article only leads people to do things like what Julia Roberts character did in Eat Pray Love. She "had everything a modern woman is supposed to dream of having - a husband, a house, a successful career - yet like so many others, she found herself lost, confused, and searching for what she really wanted in life." This line has always made me sad. Not because I feel bad for her that maybe she didn't have a perfect husband or perfect kids or a perfect job, but because I am sad she never CHOSE to find contentment in any part of her wonderfully imperfect life. Now, I'm going to admit I haven't actually seen the movie. The concept of it makes me mad, because at the time it came out I knew far too many women who did what she did - left their families to "go find themselves." They left destruction in their wake. So, I didn't go see it. So, I'm sorry (or maybe I'm not) if I just messed all over your favorite movie. Just think about it for more than 30 seconds. If she was someone you knew - maybe a friend or close relative - would you still find it so charming that she deserted everything and everyone she knew because she didn't want to be tied down and was bored with her overly-privileged life?
The funny thing about this whole "I'm whatever age I am so I can make my own life and do things outside of the norm and buy a plane ticket to Paris" mentality is this: It takes (a lot of) money to live this way, and living this way will eventually get really old really fast.
Paris will get lonely if you don't speak French, run out of money, and get bored with snobby Parisian chefs.
Ending "a relationship that no longer serves you," sounds like the right thing to do until you realize relationships were never meant just to serve you. They were meant to grow you. Sometimes when people take this advice, they leave their well-meaning, good-intentioned, hard-working husband in the dust. (Now, if "no longer serves you" means it's abusive, get out and get help.) If "no longer serves you" just means it doesn't meet your fanciful, romanticized expectation of what you thought being with Prince Charming would look like when you grew up, then you need to do just that: grow up.
I have no critique of her advice to drink tea and read lots of books. Do those things. And never stop doing them.
Saying "goodbye to all the things that have kept you stagnant," could be good. Or it could be really destructive and leave you and many others with a lot of regrets. Make sure you seek enough wisdom from older, wiser people to know the difference.
Here's my advice:
In your twentysomethings or at any age:
Don't shy away from commitment because it looks scary or feels like it might bog you down. When I was 21 and a senior in college I didn't know if I ever wanted to get married or have kids. I got married at 23 and had my first baby at 25. Those were the best 2 days of my life, and I'm thankful every day (even on the hard days) for those two crazy wonderful people in my life. Right after graduation, I took a "big girl job" rather than going to grad school. I got paid a decent wage to work at the best job I've ever had in my life. I worked with high school and middle school kids. It wasn't glamorous. It was self-sacrificing. I didn't spend my Friday nights at the club or downtown or with people my age. I don't regret a second of it. It made me the person I am today.
I'm not tooting my own horn. I'm standing on a soapbox saying "please, please don't shy away from things just because they seem boring, normal, or not adventurous enough." This is what I love about the movie "UP." In the movie, Ellie dies and leaves her husband a note that says "thanks for the adventure..." I remember seeing that the first time (bawling my eyes out) thinking nothing of it because it was so emotional. But if you think about it, they didn't DO anything to speak of. They were married for a long time. They lost a child. They lived a normal, everyday life. And it WAS an adventure. It reminds me of my grandparents and my parents. Normal, boring lives that really weren't/aren't boring at all. They've created and invested in a lasting legacy of people (me and all my siblings and cousins). Over the years, they've done a few cool things, but they haven't traveled the world. They have invested their lives in what matters. And I'm pretty sure they don't regret a second of it.
If you're single, I know I've talked a lot about things that apply to married people (and I understand the original blog post was written by a single girl), but this is for you as equally as it is for the married people. Commit to something worthwhile. Volunteer. Help your family. Adopt a grandparent at a local nursing home. Be a big brother or big sister to a kid who needs it. Don't use your single twentysomething or thirtysomething years for yourself. And when someone comes along that you might just maybe want to share a really amazing, mundane, everyday-for-the-rest-of-your-life adventure with, dive in. Give it all you've got and then some. On the hard days, remember how sweet and worthwhile your relationship really is. Remember the vows you made when you got married and how serious they are. Remember that being bound to a commitment isn't a bad thing just because the word "bound" is in that sentence.
...because I'm twentysomething, I choose contentment in mundane, wonderful things. Make that your mantra. It will change you and your perspective on what you need, deserve, and have to offer.
