Remember the waiting mamas & daddies

This blog has been a long, long time coming.  As of today, it's been about 2 1/2 years in the making.

Before you keep reading, please don't read this and feel sorry for me or anyone.  Just read it, and if necessary, make changes in your life to be more sensitive.

In December 2010, Andrew & I lost our first baby.  Many, many of you don't know this.  We don't know how long I was pregnant - probably not long, because of my hormone levels.  We were shocked by our pregnancy (only having been married 5 months at that point and planning to wait several years for children) but also really grateful for the life that was growing inside of me.  We told our parents, best friends, and that was about it.  I was bleeding so we wanted that to settle down before we started making any big announcements.  It didn't settle down.  I was in ER one day after we confirmed the pregnancy.  They were pretty sure I was miscarrying the baby but sent me home to rest for a day before we would know for sure.  The doctors confirmed it 2 days later.  2 days before Christmas. God poured grace upon grace on us that Christmas.  Andrew & I spent it alone in our sweet little apartment.  We cried together, and we grew closer.  It snowed late that night, meaning Andrew had one more day off of work and could stay to support me.  Like I said, grace upon grace.

I am sharing this for two reasons. Reason #1 is because after losing our baby, it seemed to me that most people around me had an easy time with pregnancy.  The more I've been open with people about my miscarriage, the more I've found that to be untrue, and the more comfort I've been able to offer to and receive from other women.

Reason #2 is my main reason for this post.  We, as a culture, need to be more sensitive in this specific area.
Losing our baby was the hardest thing we've experienced.  We wouldn't wish it on our worst enemy.  Unfortunately, the pain of miscarriage, infertility, or just waiting a lot longer than expected for children has been experienced by many of our dear friends.  But I'm not writing this so anyone can feel sorry for me or my friends.  I'm writing it because in the social-media/technology crazy world we live in, it is easier than ever to be insensitive to people - in this case, waiting mamas (and daddies -I write about mamas most because Mother's Day is coming up and because I'm a girl, so I track with the emotions of mamas more easily).

Whether she's a woman who lost a baby, who is dealing with infertility, who is waiting for her spouse to be ready, who is waiting for a spouse so they can one day have a family together,  or who is waiting to adopt a baby, you know her.  You may not realize you know her, but even if we just consider miscarriages alone, 1 in 4 pregnancies ends this way -- With a crushed hope, and a waiting mama.  And unfortunately, facebook and social media in general is brutal to these women.  Every other person seems to be having a baby and posting pictures.  There's nothing wrong with that.  During my pregnancy with Bram, we posted pictures - for friends and family far away.  We should celebrate together, through the pain of waiting and loss.  But here's what makes it hard, sometimes impossible, for the waiting mama to celebrate: complaining & careless comments.

Parenthood is hard.  From the morning sickness to the nasty diapers to the stomach bug (which poor Bram is dealing with today), it truly is hard.  But more than that, it's a treasure.  It is so very, very rewarding.  For mamas (and daddies) who have their babies here to hug and kiss, don't take that for granted.  Don't post that status about how you "just wish this pregnancy would be over already so you wouldn't feel so sick."  Hundreds of women would throw up every minute if they had to in order to bear a child.  Don't post that complaint about how your child is acting today.  So many women wish they had a child - even a child who didn't always behave.

 For women (or men) who can't imagine being parents or wanting kids at all, try to at least imagine losing something you hold dear - something you always hoped for and dreamed of, not coming to fruition.  Then, remember that's how it is for some of your friends who are waiting for children.  And be sensitive to them.  Don't ask when they're going to start having kids - maybe they've been trying for years.  Or maybe the reason they tried to get pregnant so soon after getting married is because their chances for conception were low.  Don't mock.  Don't make motherhood or parenthood sound like the end of someone's life.  When I was pregnant with Bram, several people made comments like "better you than me" or "he wasn't planned, was he?" or "watch out - you'll never sleep again."  Little did they know, we treasured every day of my pregnancy and were simply grateful that Bram was healthy.  I'm not mad or bitter at these people, but I've used the painful comments to remind myself to be more sensitive.

 Obviously, we have to have grace when people say hurtful things unknowingly; however, wouldn't it be great if we could comfort one another rather than giving our friends one more comment to pour grace on.  Rather than being the next pregnant friend on facebook that a waiting mama has to unfriend because of your constant complaints, why not be the sensitive friend who helps heal the wounds by being thankful - not bragging, just being thankful?  Rather than faking a pregnancy for a good April Fools joke, pray for people who would never joke about pregnancy because the pain is too real.  Or, if you're the older friend who never experienced difficulty in bearing children, be aware & sensitive enough to be gentle in your comments and not to ask prodding questions of a young couple about when they will start trying for their first or next child.  Maybe they already are and are waiting.

I know I don't always get this right - even as someone who has lost a child.  I'm sure I've said something hurtful to a waiting parent at some point.  But if we make it our goal to be sensitive, to have a spirit of thankfulness for the children we have, a heart that treasures children (whether our own or not), and a spirit of support for the parents we know, fewer hurtful comments will need grace poured on them.

So, as Mother's Day weekend approaches, I'm praying for waiting mamas and daddies.  Pray with me, and make an effort to be more sensitive, more caring in your comments - on social media or in-person.


Oh - and if you're going to be leading any kind of gathering at which mothers will be honored, be careful.  Read this: http://messymiddle.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/